Jeff's House, Part Deux

The second part of our story involves some of the finer points of our (yes, our) friend Jeffrey.  First, let's discuss the town.  WHAT A SWEET TOWN!  Everyone smiled, everyone asked how I was today.  Everyone was almost creepily friendly but in a very sincere way.  Even the guy at Lowes who asked me if I needed any help seem strangely authentic.  I was completely taken aback.  Jeff says this is the reason he stays, even tho it's suburbia and there are no other single people and the weather sucks in February (where DOESN'T the weather suck in February?  Kate, don't answer that.)  This is a truly gentile city, and I was totally disarmed by it.

The next interesting thing is how NORMAL the town seemed.  I was expecting farmland and strip malls.  What I found was the equivalent of Acton plunked in the middle of nowhere.  There were malls, mom and pop stores, rolling hills, silos and rustic houses, a movie theatre, a DRIVE IN theatre (that was exciting to me), and a Dunkin Donuts (where ISN'T there a dunkin donuts?  Kate, don't answer that.)  We went to dinner at a place called "Eat N' Park", which had the exact same atmosphere as Bickfords in Nagog Park.  I mean, it was EXACTLY like Bickfords.  I kept talking about it.  There were teenagers waitressing.  There were families eating simple diner food.  There were high school kids crammed 3 deep into booths sharing who knows what drinks.  It was positively nostalgic.  I was totally enamored.

We also toured some nature parks around the area:

The house Jeff lives in is one he built when he was 25.  Yes, you read that right- he built his own house at 25.  And he hasn't painted it since.  The walls are the same white and there's virtually nothing on them.  I asked about a picture he had in his bedroom.  "Oh yeah, my mom said I needed something on my wall."  "AHA!  I told you your mom and I were going to get along fine."  The furniture is simple and the layout is straightforward.  The garage seemed to be where he had the most fun, and the backyard overlooks a lovely valley.

And speaking of the backyard, he seems to have a problem with bluebirds being ousted by meanie sparrows.  Jeff was concerned his low-income bird housing was not going to the approved tenants and consulted a wildlife expert on the subject.  The answer is dire:  Sparrows are very territorial, so to get rid of them...one must introduce them to a permanent lifestyle change.  I suggested an air horn.  Jeff's going with electrocution.

The leads are from an old set of christmas lights.  The switch is up at the porch.  Some warm evening in the near future, the family of bullies is going to get a rude surprise.  BZZZT!  (I still think the air horn would be funnier).

On Saturday morning we took a look at the annoying squeal coming from my passenger front wheel..  I was going to rummage into my trunk for my tire iron when Jeff interrupted me with an air-operated lug wrench.   I offered my jack but he had one better.  I didn't think a simple tire was worth all the power-tool-related trouble until I saw Jeff exit the garage wearing what I considered a little bit of mechanical overkill.

Now I'm opening the floor to all of you readers out there (all 6 of you)... what's your verdict on the jumpsuit?

Mine is that it was a little ridiculous.
Jeff:  "But I don't get my clothes dirty this way."
Me:  "Jeff, it's a TIRE."
Jeff:  "But it's cold.  And it's insulated."
Me:  "Isn't a jacket simpler?"
Jeff:  "But it's padded- it keeps my butt soft on the hard ground."
Me:  "Ok, you got me there."

Subsequent conversations with friends (Bob and Kate Tellier) confirm my view.  Bob has declared this the "Fantasy Mechanic Suit", with which Jeff can exercise all his mechanical superhero fantasies in full grease-monkey style.  Kate came up with the best idea for a porn movie ever:  While I'm washing the car in a bikini, Jeff comes along and tries to get out of the suit...until the zipper gets stuck.  She's calling it... "Anticipation".  Look for it at adult theatres near you! 

Jeff also has one more quirk I discovered on this lovely break from reality... his alarm clock.  Jeff explained that his alarm clock has a timed "artificial sun".  Doesn't that sound nice?  How lovely to be awoken by a faint dawn softly creeping into your room before your alarm breaks you from your dreamy slumber.  I slept over without fear.

I will say that Jeff has an artificial sun.  It is artificial that it is plugged into the wall.  It's a sun because it looks like you're staring into a supernova, at the equator, at high noon when the timer goes off.  Honestly!  I thought I had to find my license and registration for the two police officers arresting my pillow.  Then the clock radio went off a couple minutes later at full volume.  I'm under the covers at this point.  I thought it was over until Al Roker magically appeared on the television in the corner.  "You know," Jeff said, "those timers for electronics are cheap."  I explained to Jeff that a swift kick would work equally well for free.  :)

I've already told Jeff all these things and he's taking it with the good humor with which it's meant.  I had a great time.  Don't worry Jeff- we all love you!!